So, I've been feeling extremely overwhelmed for a while, because I couldn't seem to make myself do homework. It was a lot like when I was writing my research paper, and honestly that event was so incredibly painful that I absolutely fear getting into that situation again, but at the same time I'm so terrified that I won't be able to avoid it. I've literally been feeling that it was out of my control, and that there was no way to motivate myself and make me do my work.
That is.. until last night. Last night I half realized and half decided that my life and my actions are under my control, and that I can't let anything else control my life (like TV shows or audiobooks, or the fear of not getting something done). I think this is the first time that I've taken a truly positive approach to a situation like this. Last night I decided that from here on out, one day at a time, I'm going to take back that control - thereby taking care of myself, and ensuring that I don't get so overwhelmed in the future. It has also given me an opportunity to avoid that self doubt that so often makes me procrastinate. I keep reminding myself that I have the ability to do what I need to do, and to do it well. I guess it's practicing self love, which my life has seriously been lacking. So what I did last night is I wrote "CONTROL" on the back of my hand, tied my hamsa necklace around my wrist (I decided I needed a physical and daily reminder, and I've been wearing my cross/star necklace - it actually looks pretty cool as a bracelet), and have decided to reclaim control over my life. Not in an obsessive rule keeping way - I'm pretty much avoiding rules - but in a "I'm not going to let fear or whatever it is that causes me to procrastinate control my life. I am the boss." I say this because "control" can definitely have some negative connotations, but here it is all about the love.
So anyway, today, for the first time in a long time, I worked. And I really enjoyed it. I got to do some research/reading for my history paper, and it was so fun. I was really excited while reading about one of my favorite historical topics, and the margins of my book are now lined with comments and notes. I even let myself take a little breather after lunch before diving right in, and I took a short little siesta in the middle.
I'm so proud of what I did today. And I don't feel like I worked at all today - instead of feeling drained and overwhelmed, I feel light and care free. Ready for tomorrow.
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