Something kind of cool...

So, I've been feeling extremely overwhelmed for a while, because I couldn't seem to make myself do homework. It was a lot like when I was writing my research paper, and honestly that event was so incredibly painful that I absolutely fear getting into that situation again, but at the same time I'm so terrified that I won't be able to avoid it. I've literally been feeling that it was out of my control, and that there was no way to motivate myself and make me do my work.

That is.. until last night. Last night I half realized and half decided that my life and my actions are under my control, and that I can't let anything else control my life (like TV shows or audiobooks, or the fear of not getting something done). I think this is the first time that I've taken a truly positive approach to a situation like this. Last night I decided that from here on out, one day at a time, I'm going to take back that control - thereby taking care of myself, and ensuring that I don't get so overwhelmed in the future. It has also given me an opportunity to avoid that self doubt that so often makes me procrastinate. I keep reminding myself that I have the ability to do what I need to do, and to do it well. I guess it's practicing self love, which my life has seriously been lacking. So what I did last night is I wrote "CONTROL" on the back of my hand, tied my hamsa necklace around my wrist (I decided I needed a physical and daily reminder, and I've been wearing my cross/star necklace - it actually looks pretty cool as a bracelet), and have decided to reclaim control over my life. Not in an obsessive rule keeping way - I'm pretty much avoiding rules - but in a "I'm not going to let fear or whatever it is that causes me to procrastinate control my life. I am the boss." I say this because "control" can definitely have some negative connotations, but here it is all about the love.

So anyway, today, for the first time in a long time, I worked. And I really enjoyed it. I got to do some research/reading for my history paper, and it was so fun. I was really excited while reading about one of my favorite historical topics, and the margins of my book are now lined with comments and notes. I even let myself take a little breather after lunch before diving right in, and I took a short little siesta in the middle.

I'm so proud of what I did today. And I don't feel like I worked at all today - instead of feeling drained and overwhelmed, I feel light and care free. Ready for tomorrow.

Mass Animal Deaths, Harry Potter, and New Computers

Some of you have probably heard in the news or online about the mass animal deaths that have been recorded in different parts of the world over the past couple of days.

From 3,000 red-winged black birds in Beebe, Arkansas to 80-100,000 fish washing up on the shores of Arkansas River 125 miles away. This may make you think that it would be best to avoid going to Arkansas, but mass deaths have been reported all over the globe. Some are calling it the “Aflockolypse.” Some reported deaths are in the tens or hundreds, but then you have 40,000 crabs washing up on England’s shores.

But events such as these are raising bigger questions. Could this be the beginning stages of the apocalypse? Or, possibly (and more realistically), do we simply have faster and more advanced methods of spreading information? Could these deaths be related, or will they all soon be explained away by science? Either way, it’s strange to hear about, and while I’m definitely not one to worry about the end times, seeing this in the news does make me wonder, what is going on?!

On a completely separate note, I went to the Harry Potter Exhibit today! Now I’ve been a big fan of the books ever since they started coming out when I was in elementary school. I also spend a lot of my free time listening to them on tape – Jim Dale is a god! But I really can’t seem to get very enthusiastic about the movies. When I read a book, I get a clear picture of the characters and the scenery in my head. While watching the movies, I can’t help but think ‘WRONG! That didn’t look like that!” or “Wait, what?! That’s not how that happened.” So I wasn’t sure how I was going to feel about the exhibit.

As it turned out, I had a blast! I got sorted by the Sorting Hat (I’m a Ravenclaw for any of you who are interested), I got to throw a quaffle, and I got to pull some mandrakes out of their pots! The costumes and set pieces that I saw were amazing. I felt like a kid again, walking through the halls of Hogwarts itself. The gift shop had a lot of great things to look at too, though Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff were a little under represented. I ended up getting a fun pack of stickers, but I have my eye on Serius Black’s wand. I’ll definitely be ordering that online in the near future.

Speaking of HP, though not exactly Harry Pott, I got a new HP computer yesterday, and I am loving it! My old one wasn’t doing so well, and I wanted to make sure that I had a reliable computer while abroad. It’s been fun playing with it for the last few days.

Also, I've started video blogging! My YouTube channel can be found here. My next video will hopefully be posted in time to meet my Friday deadline. I leave on Wednesday morning for Spain, and get there Thursday, so things might be a little hectic. I’ll try to throw some travel footage in there. Next time you see me, I’ll be in Spain! ¡Hasta luego!

OCD?

Let's talk about obsession.

An obsession is one of those things that I can't seem to get out of my head. It follows me everywhere I go. Something that my brain, which has been trained to analyze and relate, connects with every sound that I hear, scent that I smell, image that I see. Obsession is that song that I can't get out of my head, that jittery over excited feeling of a crush, and that desire to fully immerse myself in whatever I am obsessing over.

For example, there is this song. I can't get it out of my head. I can't listen to it loud enough. I wish that there was a pool of this song that I could jump into and for those 3 minutes and 37 seconds, I could forget myself and exist within those beautiful melodies.

But instead I wander around my house, earbud in one ear, bobbing my head up and down and lip syncing. Needless to say I've gotten some pretty strange looks from the family (I'm home for Christmas break).

One of the most frustrating parts of an obsession, besides the sheer annoyance of feeling like there is something else controlling my thoughts, is that there is no relief. I want whatever I am obsessing about so much that it almost hurts. And no matter how much I listen to that song, or watch that show, etc., it doesn't make things better. I get excited, I feel happy, and then I'm back in that place of wanting more.

Obsessions make my life more exciting. They give me something to focus on and something to look forward to. But at the same time, they keep me chained in one place for too long. They prevent me from focusing on things that really matter, and enjoying moments in my life that have nothing to do with the object of my attention.

AGW

Seriously.

Computer Crash :(

My poor Teresio is in a coma. He's a pretty old Toshiba, as laptops go (4 years), but he's been a great pal. Thankfully he can be fixed (at least that's what they tell me, and after some investigation, that seems to be the case). It's been weird not having a computer, and it makes skyping in to morning meditation at 6am rather difficult. My housemates have been lovely enough to leave a computer out for me to grab in the wee hours of the morning.

Needless to say, I'm unbelievably excited for my parents to come for Parent's Weekend (they get here tomorrow) so that my dad can perform the necessary surgical procedures on my beloved laptop. Unfortunately, that won't help me write my politics paper tonight. For now I'm stuck on a rented laptop, running Windows XP, from the Whitman Tech people. The slowness of the computer is making it hard to do research - it takes about 2 minutes for each PDF to fully load. Hence the blogging.

Hopefully there will be a new post coming soon on Hypothetical Happenings with Historical Figures about Angela Merkel, but that probably won't happen until this weekend (at the very earliest).

Well that's all for now!
AGW

Early Morning Meditation

Wide awake at 7am with my prayer shawl strewn across my bed - what's that all about?

Wiggling, itching, and breathing characterized my introduction to this day. Today was the first of many meditation sessions via skype. It's part of a meditation class that my mom and I are attending (other than last night's meeting, I'm pretty much only attending the skype sessions since Walla Walla is so far away). Turns out I was the only one who showed up. Mom had a migraine and decided to skip this session, and I didn't have my webcam/microphone with me so it was pretty much just the rabbi talking to himself at the beginning and the end while I awkwardly typed my responses. Also, IMing with a rabbi? Weird.

Were were supposed to focus on a mantra for this meditation. He had already supplied us with a few, but the two I moved between were the Sh'ma and Modah, Ani L'faneicha. Now, I'm used to Buddhist meditation where we are told to try to clear our mind, and while I definitely struggle with that, I seemed to have a bit of trouble with focusing on a mantra as well. The words proved to be a bit distracting. My mind wanted to clear itself and just be, but I kept coming back to these words. Words that seemed to be more of a roadblock than a shortcut. I'm wondering if in the future I should start by trying to clear my mind, and once I have gotten to that calm, familiar place, then try to add the words in.

I will be interested to see how things change over the course of this week. I will also be interested to see if things will be different when I am back in my meditational space at school, rather than in a makeshift space in my room at home that is currently crowded by the addition of an extra bed frame and mattress. I swear, every time I come home, something new is being stored in my room. I'm hoping there isn't a fire, because it's pretty difficult to open my door without some serious finagling.

Anyway, that's pretty much all for now. I'm headed back to school today after a 4-day break, so my next post will likely be coming to you from Walla Walla.

AGW

Religion? Oy Vey.

These are interesting times to be a Christian. These are even more interesting times to be a Christian who is embracing the Jewish faith. We are living in a time of increased politicization among right wing evangelical Christians and a time of growing Islamophobia in our nation, and in our world.

It's no wonder that people harbor such hatred for the Christian faith. I hate to admit it, but I definitely talk shit about my fellow Christians. In fact, I dislike to recognize them as practicing the same faith that I do -- their Christianity doesn't look like my Christianity. Hell, even the term "Christian" burns me like acid. The name Jesus makes me cringe. And yet, this is a faith that I belong to and willingly except. It doesn't seem to make a lot of sense, does it?

I suppose I would call myself a follower of Jesus. He's definitely not the one I take issue with. He had some pretty good things to say. So what do I call myself? A Follower of He Who Must Not Be Named? You Know Who? I feel like Harry Potter is going to jump out and accuse me of being a Death Eater.

But sometimes, that's what it feels like. Simply because I am an Episcopalian, because I grew up hearing stories about That Guy, we'll call him יֵשׁ֡וּעַ (Jeshua), I am associated with that dirty word. That word that means hellfire and brimstone. That word that means intolerance and ignorance. That word that means just plain stupidity for even thinking there was something else out there.

Now don't get me wrong, I am under no illusions that I am being or have even been persecuted for my faith. The plight of the Jewish and the Muslim people of the world is no where near comparable to my own.

So where do I stand? How do I deal with this small scale misunderstanding that, regardless of its size, seems to eat me to the core? What do I do when I am told that all Christians are just really bad Jews who do good deeds only so that they can get to heaven? What do I do when someone randomly points out to me that as a Muslim, they can practice Jewish rituals, but that Christian ones are completely off limits, and one of the worst things a Muslim can take part in?

To those who fear me or hate me because I am a Christian, I say: I DON'T EXPECT YOU TO BE CHRISTIAN! I DON'T EVEN EXPECT YOU TO BE RELIGIOUS! Believe in something, don't believe in something, that's up to you. But please don't try to single me out because my beliefs are different that yours.

I am simultaneously practicing Christianity and Judaism to the best of my ability. I have to live with the fact that it is going to be very difficult for me to find a community of people who believe the same things I do. I can't afford to be intolerant of differing beliefs. But even if I had the largest faith community in the world, I would learn nothing without the input of those who disagree with me.

It seems to me that there are so few people who understand, or who are willing to understand. We all have these preconceived notions of what a Christian, Muslim, Jew, Hindu, Baha'i (I could go on) is and fundamentally believes. Maybe if we asked sometime, we would be surprised.

Anyway, that's my two cents for the time being.

Peace and Love,
AGW